A hospital bed, a message board, and the power of finding your people
We all recognize the obvious signs of loneliness: the widow who never gets visitors, the kid eating lunch alone, the quirky guy who feels out of place the moment he walks into a room. But what about the loneliness that hides in plain sight? The kind that lingers in crowded rooms, bustling offices, and even busy hospital wards?
That’s where my story begins.
Belonging isn’t about being included. It’s about being expected. — Tonya Kubo Share on XIn 2007, at just 29 years old, I looked like I had it all together. I was managing editor of a small chain of newspapers, running a local support group, writing a lifestyle column that landed on 20,000 doorsteps every week. People stopped me in grocery store aisles to chat as if we were old friends. I was visible. Connected. Important-ish.
And yet, after emergency surgery landed me in a hospital 90 miles from home, I had never felt more invisible. Surrounded by the constant buzz of nurses, roommates, and machines, I felt like I could vanish without anyone noticing.
That’s when a stranger named Debbiie (with two i’s) walked into my life with socks, lip balm, and the kind of kindness that changes everything.
Episode Highlights
- [00:58] Proximity without presence: why people ≠ belonging
- [01:13] Attention without connection (and what it costs us)
- [03:26] The hospital-bed moment: visible, yet unseen
- [08:17] Belonging isn’t inclusion; it’s being expected
- [09:14] Why affinity groups exist (moms, survivors, creatives, neurodivergent folks)
Proximity Without Presence
We talk about belonging as if bodies in a room are enough. But being in close proximity doesn’t guarantee connection. You can sit shoulder-to-shoulder in a church pew or conference room and still feel like a ghost.
I know, because I lived it.
You can have proximity without presence. — Tonya Kubo Share on XA Lesson in Showing Up
Day three of my hospital stay, curiosity pushed me to post on an online message board. The next day, Debbiie showed up. Red hair. Blue eyeshadow. A laugh so loud it filled the room.
She brought socks for my cold feet and lip balm for my dry lips. More than that, she brought presence. She didn’t just fill a chair in my room — she made me feel like I mattered.
Belonging isn’t about being included. It’s about being expected. It’s someone saying, “Of course you’re here. We’ve been waiting for you.”
That’s why moms gather with other moms, why survivors find each other, why creatives and neurodivergent folks build communities within communities. These spaces aren’t about exclusion. They’re about relief. They’re containers where people can finally exhale, take off the mask, and be fully seen.
The Heart of This Show
Find Your Freaks was born from this truth: you’re not too weird, too much, or not enough. You just haven’t found your freaks yet.
Some weeks, you’ll hear interviews with people who found belonging in unexpected places. Other weeks, it’ll just be us, unpacking what makes connection stick. The stories will be funny, messy, ordinary, or heartbreaking. But they’ll always be real.
Because belonging isn’t a buzzword. It’s survival.
You’re not too weird or too much—you just haven’t found your freaks yet. — Tonya Kubo Share on XMeet Your Host
Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point.
Episode Transcript
Get the full transcript from Episode 1.
Support the Show
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You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay Freaky
What’s Next
Next week, I’m sitting down with Kathi Lipp to unpack clutter, shame, and the power of kindness. And why “too much stuff” is rarely about stuff at all.
Tonya, I didn’t really know what to expect with your podcast, but wow! This is amazing. And, soooo important. Can’t wait for the next episode!
Thanks for listening. I think this show will surprise a lot of people. It’s normal to assume when a service provider launches a podcast that it’ll be a vehicle to sell their services. But this is a passion project for me. My message to the world that everyone has a right to belong, and my way of humanizing segments of the population others might not even know exist. Hopefully, I can help people find their freaks by shining a light on the various communities and sub-communities gathering together online and offline.