Why Some Lives Are Grieved and Others Ignored
What makes one person’s suffering worthy of compassion while another’s is dismissed as deserved? That question has haunted me since I was a kid in the 1980s, pointing out hypocrisies adults told me to ignore. Pro-life but pro-death penalty. Mourn an abortion but dismiss an execution. Even then, I knew something didn’t line up.
This solo episode of Find Your Freaks goes straight to the core of belonging: every human has the right to be seen and valued. But when we decide some people’s suffering doesn’t matter, we shrink our own humanity in the process.
Episode Highlights
- [03:09] The haunting question that keeps Tonya up at night
- [08:05] Us vs. them: How we assign compassion
- [14:25] Why belonging must include criminals
- [20:10] How society teaches us whose lives are “grievable”
- [24:27] Propaganda, dehumanization, and historical echoes
- [37:16] Serving in your lane: belonging through gifts and talents
- [40:23] A reminder if you’ve been told your pain doesn’t matter
Whose Pain Deserves Compassion?
From childhood, I noticed contradictions in how adults talked about life and death. Some losses were treated as tragedies. Others were brushed aside. These contradictions sharpened into a lifelong question: Whose suffering counts, and why?
We all sort people into categories, sometimes unconsciously. There’s us: the people who look like me, think like me, believe like me, live like me. And then there’s them.
For us, mistakes get softened:
“She meant well.”
“He just had a lapse in judgment.”
“They were trying their best.”
For them, even good actions are tainted, and bad ones are proof of their character:
“They should’ve known better.”
“They got what was coming.”
This is how society decides who deserves compassion, whose deaths merit headlines, and whose stories never get told.
Secrets and Silence
Secrecy thrives in this system. If your loved one is incarcerated, if you’re living with addiction, if you’re drowning in clutter or grief — you’re pressured to hide it. Because the moment people see you as part of them, you risk exile.
That’s why recovery communities are so powerful. They break the silence. They create a space where you can name your struggle without watching people flinch or walk away. Belonging begins where secrecy ends.
Dehumanization Then and Now
Categorization is one thing. Dehumanization is another.
History shows us how propaganda strips people of humanity so their suffering feels less urgent. In World War II, Japanese-Americans, including my husband’s grandparents, were portrayed as vermin before being forced into internment camps. When you convince people that their neighbors are rats, suddenly forcing them into horse stalls at a county fairgrounds doesn’t look like abuse. It looks like pest control.
And we still see the same logic today:
- The incarcerated — “They broke the law. They get what they deserve.”
- The unhoused — “They could work if they wanted to.”
- Immigrants — “They don’t belong here. They’re draining resources.”
- People in active addiction — “They don’t want help. They’re a lost cause.”
These narratives shape whose lives are mourned and whose are ignored.
Every story deserves witnesses. Every life deserves grief. — Tonya Kubo Share on XWhen George Floyd was killed by police in 2020, some people were horrified. Some were furious that others were just now waking up, and still others rushed to justify his death. The same video produced outrage, indifference, or blame depending on how someone had already categorized him in their minds.
As Judith Butler writes in Frames of War, society hands us “frames of grievability”: cues that tell us which lives matter enough to mourn and which don’t even count as losses.
Expanding the Circle
Rachel Allen’s Beyond Broken podcast lifts the veil on what happens behind bars — rotten food, denied medical care, the cruelty of paperwork delays that cost lives. She forces us to ask: What crime could ever justify this kind of treatment?
Her work reminds me that belonging doesn’t always require building a group. Sometimes it’s as simple as shining a light where others prefer darkness.
Community is an act of resistance against systems that say some people don’t count. — Tonya Kubo Share on XSo I’ll ask you the same questions I ask myself: Who are you called to re-humanize? Whose pain are you being invited to witness? And can you extend that compassion even to those you disagree with, or don’t want to live next to?
Because when we expand the circle of grief, we reclaim our own humanity, too.
Meet Your Host
Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Episode Transcript
Get the full transcript from Episode 5.
Links & Mentions
- Episode 4: Belonging Behind Bars with Rachel Allen
- Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable? by Judith Butler
- Less Than Human by David Livingstone Smith
- Beyond Broken podcast by Rachel Allen
- Engineering Consent in 1940s America: The Role of Propaganda in the Japanese-American Internment by Tonya Kubo
- Episode 3: Kindness First, Clutter Second
Support the Show
If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay Freaky
What’s Next
Next, we’ll talk about how finding your people doesn’t always mean starting a group. It can also mean using your unique gifts on behalf of others. Stay tuned for Episode 6.
0 Comments