Why our differences matter less than we think — and curiosity might be the cure
You can look at someone’s family, their politics, their religion, and think it’s nothing like yours. But underneath, most of us are fighting for the same things: safety, belonging, and a shot at raising the next generation — or at least leaving the world a little better than we found it.
In this solo episode, I unpack my conversation with parenting coach Jen Gerardy (Episode 8: Becoming Who You Were Waiting For) to explore how labels, scripts, and moral judgments keep us divided when shared humanity could bring us together.
Because what if the people you disagree with most are fighting the same fight you are — just from a different angle?
Episode Highlights
- [02:23] The surface differences that distract us from shared humanity
- [06:23] Parenting “off script” and redefining what works for your family
- [09:14] Political, faith, and cultural scripts we inherit — and how to rewrite them (if you want to)
- [11:13] Chosen family as a model of community care
- [15:42] Labels, dehumanization, and curiosity as a leadership skill
- [29:03] The heart of it all: different families, same fight
The Trap of Surface Difference
When I interviewed Jen Gerardy, I knew we came from different worlds. She’s a parenting coach for non-monogamous families — a phrase that can make some people instantly uncomfortable. But what struck me wasn’t the difference. It was the sameness.
Her rule for parents — “Don’t ask kids to keep grown-up secrets.” — stopped me cold. Because in our house, we have the same one. We say, “No secrets, only surprises.”
Different families. Same instinct. Protect the kids. Build trust. Tell the truth.
It reminded me how quickly we assume “they” are nothing like “us,” when often we’re standing on identical ground.
“You don’t have to agree with someone’s structure to recognize that the fight they’re fighting is similar to yours.” — Tonya Kubo Share on XWriting Your Own Script
Most of us inherited a family program. A script that tells us what “good” looks like. Good parents do this. Good Christians believe that. Good people vote this way.
Jen calls it parenting off script when you pause to ask, “Does this actually work for us?”
For my husband and me, that looked like co-sleeping with one child and not with the other. For Jen, it meant questioning every “should” that didn’t serve her family’s reality.
We don’t have to make the same choices to share the same values. And sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to stop performing someone else’s version of “right.”
The Families We Choose
I was raised by a single mom surrounded by other single moms. We called ourselves cousins even though we weren’t related by blood. Those women raised me. They still pick up the phone when I call.
My daughters grew up in the same kind of village — surrounded by aunties, mentors, and family friends who fill the stands at school events when I can’t be there.
Belonging isn’t about matching DNA. It’s about mutual devotion.
“You’d never know I was an orphan. Most days, I don’t feel like one.” — Tonya Kubo Share on XChosen family is proof that community doesn’t require permission — just participation.
Who Counts as Good?
Somewhere along the way, we decided that the world should be split into good and bad, right and wrong. But reality refuses to play by those rules.
There are good people who make questionable choices and “bad” people who show up with astonishing compassion.
Judgment shuts doors. Curiosity opens them.
“Different isn’t dangerous. It’s just data.” — Tonya Kubo Share on XWhen we stop labeling people as enemies, we make room to see what motivates them. It’s usually the same things that motivate us: safety, dignity, and love.
Experiments in Curiosity
Instead of trying to fix the world in one sweep, try these small acts of rebellion against judgment:
- Replace a snap judgment with a curious question. When you catch yourself thinking, How could they?, ask, What need is this meeting for them?
- Send a thank-you text to someone in your village — the people who make your world safer and softer.
- Notice where belonging feels conditional. If being accepted requires hiding, that’s not belonging. That’s performance.
Three Questions I’m Sitting With
- Where in my life am I confusing familiar with right?
- Who do I silence myself around because I fear judgment?
- What script have I inherited that no longer fits — and what would it look like to rewrite it?
The surface shifts. The heart rarely does. Different families. Same fight.
Meet Your Host
Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies — and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense.
As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Episode Transcript
Get the full transcript from Episode 9: Different Families, Same Fight.
Resources & Mentions
- Episode 8: Becoming Who You Were Waiting For with Jen Gerardy
- Episode 5: Whose Suffering Counts?
- MomCo (formerly MOPS) – a ministry supporting mothers of young children
- Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart — a guide to understanding the language of emotion and how naming our feelings helps us build true connection.
- The Gottman Institute — pioneers in relationship research whose work on trust and emotional safety offers practical tools for families and partners alike.
Support the Show
If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay Freaky
What’s Next
Next time on Find Your Freaks: I sit down with my biz bestie, Mary Williams of Sasquatch Media Grounds, to talk about the creator world’s uneasy relationship with fame — and why chasing visibility might not be as shallow as it sounds.
0 Comments