Why high performers can be the loneliest people in the room.
What if the people who seem the most capable are actually the ones struggling the most?
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, host Tonya Kubo sits down with former psychotherapist turned soul medic Rachel Alexandria to explore the hidden loneliness of high performers — the executives, founders, and leaders who look polished, competent, and unshakeable… while quietly holding everything together by sheer force of will.
Rachel works with people who carry enormous responsibility while suppressing their humanity. Together, she and Tonya unpack how perfectionism and people-pleasing become survival strategies, why competence often turns into a mask, and what it really costs to be “the strong one” everyone assumes doesn’t need help.
If you’ve ever felt invisible because you look fine — or if you love someone who always seems okay — this conversation invites you to see what’s happening beneath the surface.
Episode Highlights
- [04:15] Why high performers are often the most isolated people in the room
- [08:42] The difference between having it together and holding it together
- [13:30] How family dynamics and gaslighting disconnect us from our inner knowing
- [18:55] Burnout, perfectionism, and people-pleasing as survival skills
- [25:10] How perimenopause, ADHD, and long COVID complicate high achievement
- [31:40] Why leaders can’t afford to “fall apart” — and what they do instead
- [38:22] The hidden cost of excellence: “Other things suffered.”
- [45:05] Why asking for help feels so inconvenient — and so necessary
- [52:10] How to be a safe person for someone who looks like they don’t need help
When Competence Becomes a Mask
Rachel explains that many high performers learned early that being capable meant being safe. If you could handle things, anticipate needs, and stay composed, you avoided chaos — or consequences.
Over time, that competence becomes a mask.
People stop checking on you.
You stop letting yourself be seen.
And loneliness quietly takes root.
Looking put-together doesn’t mean you are.
The Cost of Excellence
“There is no gaining success without loss. Other things always suffer.”
In this episode, Tonya and Rachel explore the uncomfortable truth that high achievement always comes with tradeoffs — time, relationships, rest, or health. Burnout often happens when we pretend those costs don’t exist.
Trying to do everything at the same level isn’t sustainable.
Grieving what’s been lost — instead of denying it — is often the first step toward healing.
Asking for Help Without Knowing What It Looks Like
One of the most powerful moments in the conversation centers on this truth:
You don’t need to know how someone will help — only that you need help.
Rachel shares why trying to solve everything alone eventually stops working. What got you here can’t get you where you need to go next. Naming “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t do this alone anymore” opens the door to real support.
“You don’t have to know what help looks like to ask for it.” — Rachel Alexandria Share on XHow to Support the People Who Look Fine
If you’re worried about someone who always seems okay, Rachel offers simple, human ways to show up:
- Initiate connection without analysis
- Send a “you’ve been on my mind” message
- Offer practical care, like meals or presence
- Make it easy for them to say no
Compassion doesn’t require fixing.
It requires noticing.
Freak Flags Fly
Each episode ends with five quick questions. Here’s how Rachel flies her flag:
- You’re my kind of freak if… you love shiny rocks and hate small talk.
- Something you love that friends don’t get: Dungeons & Dragons and Disney.
- Community you’d infiltrate: Furries — purely to understand.
- Practice that keeps you connected: Time in nature and intentional energetic cleansing.
Meet Our Guest
Rachel Alexandria is a former psychotherapist turned soul medic who helps high performers clean up their “secret messes” — burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, and loneliness hidden beneath competence. She is the host of the podcast Lonely at the Top and the author of three books on conversation, criticism, and stress relief.
Meet Your Host
Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point.
Episode Transcript
Get the full transcript from Episode 14.
Resources & Mentions
- Lonely at the Top — Rachel’s podcast
- RachelAlexandria.com
- Jennifer Arezio — spiritual teacher and mentor mentioned in the episode
Support the Show
If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people. You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay Freaky
What’s Next
Some freaks stand out. Others blend in so well they disappear. Next episode, Tonya explores what it means to be seen when your freakiness is hidden — and why looking fine doesn’t mean you don’t deserve care, community, and connection.
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