Why people don’t stop hiding because they want to, but because it finally feels safe to be seen.
What does it actually take for someone to tell the truth?
Not the polite version. Not the version that’s been softened or edited to be more acceptable. The kind of truth that feels a little risky to say out loud. The kind that makes you pause afterward and wonder if you said too much.
We tend to think that moment comes from asking the right question or creating the right environment. That if we just get better at facilitating conversation, people will open up.
But that’s not usually what’s happening.
More often, that moment comes when something shifts. Not externally, but internally. When, for just long enough, it feels safer to be seen than to stay hidden.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo explores what it actually feels like when the mask comes off and why that moment has less to do with courage and more to do with safety.
Episode Highlights
- [01:40] The realization that Tonya had been wearing a mask without noticing
- [03:50] Why we hold back when something doesn’t feel “worth the effort”
- [06:30] The difference between fitting in and actually being seen
- [08:45] The shift that happened after discovering Ellie Trier’s work
- [11:10] The story of a friend whose honesty revealed something deeper
- [13:50] What happens when someone doesn’t try to fix or reframe your truth
- [16:20] Why you can’t force someone to remove their mask
- [18:30] How safety changes the cost of being honest
- [20:40] What it looks like to model real acceptance
- [22:10] The invitation to show up fully so others can do the same
The Masks We Don’t Realize We’re Wearing
When we talk about masks, it’s easy to imagine something intentional. Something performative. A version of ourselves we consciously put on in order to be perceived a certain way.
But the masks Tonya is talking about here are much quieter than that.
They show up in the moments where we decide not to push back. When we let something slide because it feels like it will take too much energy to explain. When we nod along, not because we agree, but because it doesn’t feel worth the effort to say otherwise.
There’s nothing dramatic about those moments. In fact, that’s what makes them so easy to overlook. But over time, they accumulate. And what starts as a series of small decisions becomes a pattern of self-editing.
Tonya shares how, for years, she found herself doing exactly that in conversations about community building. Not because she lacked conviction, but because it felt like speaking up wouldn’t change anything. So she stopped pushing back. Not intentionally. Just gradually.
“Sometimes the mask isn’t about being fake. It’s about deciding the truth isn’t worth the effort.” -Tonya Kubo Share on X
Why Belonging Isn’t Something You Can Design
There’s a belief, especially in online spaces, that connection can be engineered. That if you ask better questions, create more opportunities for engagement, or design better systems, people will naturally feel safe enough to open up.
But that’s not how belonging works.
Tonya reflects on her conversation with Ellie Trier and what makes her spaces feel different. It’s not that Ellie is asking better questions or using better prompts. It’s that she shows up differently.
She shows up without a script. Without an agenda. Without trying to control the outcome of the conversation.
And that kind of presence does something that strategy can’t. It removes the pressure to perform.
Because when someone else is fully present and unguarded, it becomes a little easier to let your own guard down too.
“Belonging isn’t engineered. It’s modeled.” -Tonya Kubo Share on X
The Moment the Mask Comes Off
There’s a moment in every meaningful interaction where something shifts.
It’s not always obvious. It doesn’t always look dramatic. But you can feel it when it happens.
It’s the moment where someone decides to say what they’ve been holding back.
Tonya describes this as a kind of internal calculation. Not something we consciously walk through, but something we feel.
Is it safer to keep the mask on? Or safer to take it off?
And what makes that moment powerful is that it doesn’t come from being pushed. It comes from the absence of pressure.
She shares the story of a close friend who, in a quiet moment, admitted she was deeply lonely. Not because she had been asked directly. Not because someone guided her there. But because, in that moment, there was enough space for the truth to surface.
No one rushed to fix it. No one reframed it. No one told her she should feel differently.
And because of that, she kept going.
“The mask comes off when the cost of hiding becomes higher than the cost of being seen.” -Tonya Kubo Share on X
You Can’t Pull the Truth Out of Someone
One of the most important ideas in this episode is also one of the simplest.
You cannot force someone to be honest.
You can’t ask the perfect question. You can’t create the perfect prompt. You can’t pry the mask off.
That decision has to come from them.
What you can do is influence the environment they’re making that decision in. You can create a space where it feels just a little bit safer to tell the truth than to keep holding it in.
And when that happens, honesty doesn’t need to be extracted. It shows up on its own.
“You can’t pry a mask off. You can only make it safe enough for someone to remove it.” -Tonya Kubo Share on XWhen someone feels safe enough, they do not need to be prompted. The truth comes on its own.
What Changes When Someone Goes First
When the mask comes off, something shifts. Not just for the person who said the thing, but for everyone else in the room.
There’s relief in it. Recognition. That quiet exhale of realizing you’re not the only one.
But there’s also something else. Permission.
When one person chooses to show up fully, it changes what feels possible for everyone else. It resets the baseline of what’s allowed.
And that’s where belonging begins. Not in perfectly structured conversations, but in moments where people stop performing long enough to be real with each other.
“When one person shows up fully, it gives everyone else permission to do the same.” -Tonya Kubo Share on X
A Different Kind of Invitation
At the end of the episode, Tonya offers an invitation that isn’t flashy, but it is uncomfortable in the best way.
To go first.
Not in a performative way. Not in a way that demands attention. But in a way that removes the distance between who you are and how you show up.
Because somewhere, someone is waiting for evidence that it’s safe to be themselves.
And sometimes, that evidence looks like you.
“If you want deeper connection, go first.” -Tonya Kubo Share on X.
Three Questions I’m Sitting With
- Where am I holding something back because it doesn’t feel safe to be seen?
- What would need to change for me to feel safe enough to show up more fully?
- Am I creating space for others to be honest, or unintentionally giving them a reason to keep their mask on?
Meet Your Host
Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess.
Episode Transcript
Get the full transcript from Episode 23.
Resources & Mentions
- Episode 022 – Neurospicy and Never Alone with Eli Trier
- Zuzu’s House of Cats
Support the Show
If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay Freaky
What’s Next
We love to talk about community. How to build it, grow it, sustain it. But next time, we’re going somewhere a little unexpected. Tonya sits down with bestselling mystery author Michelle Chouinard to explore the minds of people who obsess over red herrings, stay up all night chasing clues, and cannot rest until they solve the puzzle. But this conversation is not just about mystery writing. It is about curiosity, connection, and the way stories bring people together.
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