Why boundaries don’t weaken communities. They strengthen them.
Healthy communities depend on people who are willing to show up for one another. Problems arise when showing up turns into one person becoming responsible for everyone else.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo builds on her conversation with clergy coach Margaret Marcuson and explores what sustainable leadership looks like beyond ministry. Pastors aren’t the only people expected to carry the needs, emotions, and problems of those around them.
Teachers, healthcare workers, nonprofit leaders, managers, caregivers, parents, and community builders can all become the person everyone depends on. The more capable they prove themselves to be, the easier it becomes for everyone else to let them keep carrying more.
Tonya explores why burnout isn’t always a productivity problem, how over-functioning changes the behavior of an entire system, and why boundaries can make communities stronger rather than weaker.
Episode Highlights
[01:30] Why Margaret Marcuson’s lessons about sustainable ministry apply beyond pastors
[05:30] The struggles people in high-burnout professions cannot always discuss publicly
[09:00] Why burnout may be a boundaries problem instead of a productivity problem
[12:00] How boundaries strengthen communities through shared responsibility
[14:00] Why doing everything can prevent other people from stepping up
[18:00] How over-functioning creates under-functioning
[21:00] Giving the strong people in our lives permission to be human
Burnout Is Not Always a Productivity Problem
Search for solutions to burnout and much of the advice focuses on efficiency. Manage your calendar better. Delegate more. Create stronger systems. Find ways to accomplish more in less time.
Those strategies can help, but they assume the problem is how much you can accomplish. Sometimes the real problem is how much you believe you are responsible for carrying.
Productivity asks how to fit more into the day. Boundaries ask which responsibilities actually belong to you. Margaret’s approach to sustainable ministry centers on understanding what you are called to carry and recognizing what belongs to someone else.
That principle extends beyond pastors. Anyone who regularly cares for, leads, manages, or supports other people can become responsible for needs that were never meant to be theirs alone.
“Boundaries do not weaken communities. They strengthen them.” Share on X
Some People Can’t Struggle in Public
Certain professions come with limitations on where and how people can ask for help. A pastor who publicly admits they are struggling may worry about their congregation losing confidence in their leadership, threatening their financial stability, or turning a vulnerable admission into gossip.
Teachers, physicians, therapists, military leaders, nonprofit executives, and others in positions of responsibility face similar challenges. Their professional roles can make public vulnerability more complicated than simply deciding to be open.
Tonya has seen teachers post vulnerable information in Facebook groups they believed were private, only to discover those conversations were publicly visible. A question about failing a required test or wanting to leave a job could easily reach coworkers, administrators, or parents.
People in these roles may never respond to a public question asking about their biggest struggle. Supporting them requires creating safer ways for them to ask for help without putting their professional lives at risk.
“The people who need support the most may not be able to ask for it publicly.” Share on X
Boundaries Give Other People Room to Step Up
Margaret once returned from a sabbatical to find that a leader in her congregation was grateful she had been gone. During her absence, people discovered what they were capable of handling without her.
They had to make decisions, solve problems, and create structures that didn’t depend on Margaret being available. Her decision to step away temporarily gave other people the opportunity to take responsibility.
Tonya recognized the same dynamic in her own tendency to volunteer. For years, if she knew she could do something, she was quick to say yes. Eventually, she realized that volunteering so quickly could prevent the person best suited for the responsibility from ever stepping forward.
Saying no can create uncertainty about who will take over or whether something will be done exactly the way you would do it. But always stepping in can unintentionally teach other people that they never need to.
“Our willingness to carry everything for everybody else teaches them that they don’t have to carry anything.” Share on X
Over-Functioning Creates Under-Functioning
When one person consistently takes on more responsibility, the people around them adjust. Over-functioning creates a dynamic of under-functioning, not necessarily because other people are lazy, but because systems adapt.
If one person always remembers the deadline, everyone else has less reason to remember it. If one manager always solves the crisis after hours, the workplace learns that someone will always be available. If one family member handles every problem, everyone begins treating that person as the default solution.
Tonya saw this happen in a workplace where one person was particularly good at identifying everything that could go wrong. Because everyone knew she would consider the worst-case scenarios, the rest of the team gradually stopped doing that work themselves.
Eventually, the organization’s disaster planning was limited by one person’s imagination. A strength that originally helped the team had unintentionally become something the entire system depended on.
“Over-functioning creates a dynamic of under-functioning in those around us.” Share on X
Sometimes Helping Means Letting People Struggle
Allowing other people to carry responsibility means accepting that they may not do things as quickly, cleanly, or efficiently as you would.
Parents experience this when teaching children to cook or clean. Doing the task yourself may be faster and create less mess, but it also removes the opportunity for the child to develop the skill. Learning requires room to do something imperfectly.
The same principle applies to workplaces, churches, volunteer organizations, families, and communities. When the most capable person immediately fixes every problem, everyone else loses opportunities to develop their own capacity.
Stepping back doesn’t mean you don’t care about the outcome. It can mean you trust other people enough to let them participate in creating it.
“Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is leave room for someone else to step up.” Share on X
Belonging Depends on Invisible Labor
Belonging doesn’t happen automatically. Someone is usually doing work behind the scenes to create the conditions that make other people feel supported, connected, and included.
It might be the friend everyone calls, the teacher who always grants another extension, the manager who solves problems on nights and weekends, the nonprofit director doing work that belongs to the board, or the caregiver everyone assumes can handle one more responsibility.
When someone performs that role consistently, their work can become invisible. People stop noticing how much they carry because the system has become accustomed to them carrying it.
Healthy communities don’t depend on one person making all the sacrifices. They distribute responsibility among people who understand their limits and trust others to carry their share.
“Belonging isn’t free. Someone is almost always doing some measure of invisible labor that makes belonging possible.” Share on X
What Are You Carrying That Isn’t Yours?
The strongest person in a community is still a person. They need opportunities to struggle, rest, ask for help, and exist without being valuable only because of what they can do for everyone else.
That applies whether the person is your pastor, manager, teacher, doctor, parent, friend, or you.
Sustainable leadership isn’t about finding a way to operate at full speed indefinitely. Being able to continue doing meaningful work tomorrow, next year, and 20 years from now matters more than doing everything today.
The question is not simply whether you are capable of carrying something. It’s whether it was yours to carry in the first place.
“Sustainable leadership doesn’t begin with better time management. It begins with the courage to decide what your call actually is, and what it is not.” Share on X
Questions to Consider
- What am I carrying because it is truly my responsibility, and what have I picked up for someone else?
- Where might my willingness to step in be preventing someone else from stepping up?
- Who in my life is always expected to be the strong one, and do I give them room to be human?
Meet Your Host
Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess.
Episode Transcript
Get the full transcript from Episode 033.
Resources & Mentions
- Sustainable Ministry: How to Lead and When to Nap by Margaret Marcuson
- Episode 032: Why Pastors Stay (and Why It Matters That They Do) with Margaret Marcuson
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What’s Next
Next time, Tonya talks with Danielle Tidwell, owner and lead bartender of The Tipsy Hellcat LLC, about what happens when the community you need doesn’t exist yet. Danielle is building the Hellcat Bridal Collective to connect alternative couples and vendors who are done searching for a seat at someone else’s table and ready to create their own.
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