Parenting outside the lines, ditching shame, and building the community your family actually needs

What if the problem isn’t your family, but the rulebook you inherited? In this episode of Find Your Freaks, holistic family consultant Jen Gerardy invites us to stop forcing our lives into templates that don’t fit. She works with queer, non-monogamous, and neurodiverse families, and her starting point is simple: design relationships that serve the actual humans in the room.

We talk about how to speak plainly with kids, why “secrets vs. surprises” is a powerful litmus test, and what it takes to build real community for ethically non-monogamous/polyamorous (ENM/poly) parents without pathologizing who they are. If you’ve ever felt like you had to shave off parts of yourself to be “allowed” in a parenting space, this conversation will feel like oxygen.

Episode Highlights

• [00:00] “Who are your freaks?” — Jen’s people and why questioning norms can make you a better parent
• [07:08] Judgment, protection, and why compassion (even for the judgy folks) matters
• [11:16] Coming out to yourself as non-monogamous while parenting: what changed (and what didn’t)
• [17:06] Best practices 101: secrets vs. surprises; introducing partners; centering child wellbeing
• [25:28] Rethinking “the village”: expanding who cares for a child beyond narrow roles
• [29:13] Stop pathologizing people: challenges ≠ you being the problem
• [31:29] The line to remember: “If the world isn’t set up for you, you’ll face more challenges — and you’re still not the problem”

“If the world isn’t set up for you, you’ll face more challenges — and it’s not because you’re the problem.” — Jen Gerardy Share on X

When the Rulebook Stops Working

Early in motherhood, Jen had a child who refused to behave like the books promised. Sleep only happened if they were touching her or someone else. She could fight it and suffer, or she could rethink the plan.

Choosing the second path started a decade of reframing: trading “shoulds” for systems that fit the people you have.

That small pivot points to a bigger idea. Many of us parent on autopilot, guided by scripts we absorbed from family, culture, or a well-reviewed bestseller. Those scripts can be helpful until they aren’t. Jen’s work is granting families permission to ask better questions:

What does thriving look like for us?

What are our actual constraints and capacities?

What agreements support everyone’s needs?

Secrets vs. Surprises: A Simple Litmus Test

One of Jen’s clearest best practices is aimed straight at child safety: don’t make kids hold adult secrets.

If your structure requires a child to hide an adult relationship from school, family, or friends, that’s a sign to rethink the setup. Surprises are time-bound and harmless; secrets put kids in loyalty binds they’re not equipped to manage, and shouldn’t be expected to.

This principle also clarifies when and how to introduce a new partner. There isn’t a single right timeline, but there are right questions:

• What role would this adult play in the child’s life?
• What are they willing and able to offer?
• What does your child need to feel safe and supported?

Thoughtful intent matters more than rigid rules.

“It is not appropriate to ask a child to keep a secret.” — Jen Gerardy Share on X

Design the Village Your Child Actually Needs

Monogamous or not, most families rely on more than two adults. Grandparents, neighbors, teachers, “aunts,” family friends — many people already contribute to a child’s wellbeing. Jen encourages parents to name and coordinate that support on purpose. Who is in the circle? What roles do they play? Where are the gaps?

“I invite parents to have an expanded idea of this concept of who cares for a child and what does that look like?” — Jen Gerardy Share on X

Expanding the caregiving constellation reduces isolation and distributes emotional load. It also normalizes a broader definition of family: not a moral statement, but an honest map of who shows up for your child and how.

Stop Pathologizing People

Parents often arrive at Jen’s door carrying a long list of “shoulds” and a short fuse of shame. Maybe they’re non-monogamous. Maybe they or their child are neurodivergent. Maybe their life just doesn’t match the image on the diaper box. The message they’ve heard is familiar: The problem is you.

Jen’s reframe is the spine of this episode:

“If the world isn’t set up for you, you’ll face more challenges — and it’s not because you’re the problem.” — Jen Gerardy

Challenges are real. They’re also solvable without erasing who you are. Switching from diagnosis to design opens better options: adjust environments, renegotiate roles, right-size expectations, and resource the system so everyone has what they need to function.

“It's almost like being polyamorous doesn't make you a bad parent. Shocking.” — Jen Gerardy Share on X

Building Belonging for ENM/Poly Parents

ENM/poly parents often edit themselves to access mainstream parenting spaces. Jen’s community removes that tax. The norms are clear: curiosity over judgment, practical help over prescriptive advice, child wellbeing and consent at the center.

The design is intentionally doable. Twice-monthly Zooms welcome real life: headphones while cooking dinner, cameras off when needed, kids in the background. Whatever works, works. The agenda prioritizes immediate needs first, then discussion. Privacy is honored without asking kids to carry secrets. Logistics are on the table, too: language choices for school forms, how to talk to extended family, what to do when a caregiving role changes.

Result: fewer shame spirals, more resourced parents, and kids who grow up with consistent language and care. It’s not about proving you’re normal; it’s about getting what your family needs to thrive.

“We need spaces where we not only have parenting friends, but we have spaces where we can be all of ourselves, all of the things.” — Jen Gerardy Share on X

Practical First Steps

If you’re curious where to begin, Jen suggests starting with your needs. Her free workbook helps you name them, notice the beliefs that complicate getting them met, and practice the skills that make asking easier. That foundation turns vague overwhelm into solvable problems: boundaries, schedules, scripts for hard conversations, and clear asks of your support network.

Freak Flags Fly

Every interview ends with five quick questions. Here’s how Jen waved her flag:

• You’re my kind of freak if… “You’re weird and goofy and a little bit silly.”
• What’s something you love that your friends just don’t get? Ancient Peruvian textiles. (She’s a knitter and textile artist raised by an archaeologist)
• What community would you infiltrate just to understand it better? “Young white men. I’m so confused.”
• What tool, ritual, or practice keeps you connected to your people? Showing up to community spaces regularly, even when she doesn’t “need” support.
• Who’s doing freakishly good work and deserves a bigger stage? Sarah Santacroce and Humane Marketing — a kinder approach to business that actually fits real humans.

Meet Our Guest

Jen Gerardy is a holistic family consultant who helps queer, non-monogamous, and neurodiverse families build joyful, connected relationships without shame or self-erasure. She leads an online community for ENM/poly parents, offers coaching and workshops, and creates practical resources that center compassion, consent, and child wellbeing.

Meet Your Host

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

Episode Transcript

Get the full transcript from Episode 8.

Links & Mentions

• Jen Gerardy — Holistic Family Consultant (coaching, groups, resources)
• Free Workbook: Getting Your Needs Met (mentioned at ~43:16)
• Humane Marketing by Sarah Santacroce — a kinder way to do business (Jen’s shout-out)
• Polyamory Parenting 101 — YouTube video series with Jen and psychologist Dr. David PasCale Hague

If any link is missing, ping us and we’ll connect you directly with Jen.

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What’s Next

Join Tonya next time to unpack how to apply this episode to your own life and the spaces you lead.